I’ve gone through this crisis a few times in my parenting life. The age is about 16, a very difficult time for most teenage boys. Their body image is changing, they may feel socially inadequate, and they are trying to get along with schoolmates or trying to belong to a certain group. They may be interested in girls but have no clue how to approach them. They may be engaging in social cliques with peers of similar interests or opposite views (mostly opposite to yours). At home, they become more distant from the family; it may be harder for parents to get them to help around the house or participate in family activities. They may have difficulty getting good grades in school and may even struggle to make and maintaining friendships. Feelings of inadequacy and the seeking of self-identity are prevalent in the male adolescent world. And if he doesn’t deal with it adequately, he may have a hard time in school, himself, his peers and within the entire family.
In this post, I’ll be discussing the subject of self-identity and family, specifically a father’s relationship with his teenage son(s). During this time of confusion of identity searching and self-preservation, some teenage boys try to test his dominance and sense of independence by rebelling, and when the father is the main disciplinarian, many conflicts may occur. I’d like to make a few suggestions I’ve gained through personal experience and observation on how to manage this difficult period in both of your lives. Let me start by defining what an alpha male is.
An alpha male is defined as a dominant male in a particular group, and the leader of a pack. Although this definition applies to animals, in today’s society it’s used to describe men who are in a dominant or leadership position in a certain group. This term may also apply to sons when they reach their teenage years, which creates difficulties when the father is alpha as well. Teenage boys struggle with fighting for position, and their way to show their developing dominance is by is through their nearest male figure; Dad. When fathers don’t want to lose their position of being the man of the house, to allow a son to run the show, conflict between the two starts to boil.
There are several things fathers can do to nurture and help their sons to reach that level of independence and camaraderie they will need later in life to compete with other males in the real world. Here are a few I’ve learned- not by being a father, of course, I’m Mom, but by going through this a few times in my first and second marriages. (My ex-husband and I have two sons; my current husband has two sons also).
- Try to relate to what they’re going through because more than likely, you went through it as well.
- No matter how upset your son makes you, do NOT lose your cool and get into a verbal confrontation that can only lead to words you and he may later regret. Heated arguments can also lead to physical violence.
- Show your authority with reason, not by demand or force. Even teenagers can respond to that. Again, watch your approach. Speak to your son in a manner you feel he would understand. Although he’s going through some changes, I guarantee his core has not changed. That little boy you’ve raised is still in there if you know how to dig him out.
- Give each other space, and don’t take his lack of engagement too personally.
- Listen to Mom; she may have some good insights that may help diffuse the situation.
- Discipline with love and respect; never break your child’s spirit.
Seek help if things get out of hand. Helping your child get through this period doesn’t mean you should take abuse either. All situations and individuals are different. Try to remember what your son and you have enjoyed together in the past and perhaps do a variation of that. Respect each other’s space while keeping a balance between individual and family time.
Be involved as much as possible in your son’s life. Pay close attention to what he’s doing, and whom he associates with, and you will more than likely notice warning signs ahead of time if there are major issues causing friction in your relationship.
I’m looking after my 83 year old father. I would say he’s an alpha male . I don’t want to leave him corse he can’t look after himself but he like jeckel and hide . I’m 57 . Made a few mistakes in life . He puts me down all the time calls me useless keeps telling to behave myself lol . Whatever you do doesn’t please him . He’s a control freak . Any tips please .
I don’t think you’re father has the right to be abusive. You need to let me know how you feel and how it damages your relationship. You should talk about setting boundaries and if he can’t or doesn’t want to, perhaps you can find someone who would provide some care for him so you can take a break from his insult. I commend you for caring for him in spite of the challenging circumstances.
Thanks, and yes, abuse it never OK.
My wife and I are divorced and my son lives with her and her parents this has been the situation since he was 1. He’s now 14 and he’s clearly trying to become the Alpha male of his home. He’s become aggressive with his mom and grandparents he has almost completely given up on school. I have been in his life the entire time but at arms length recently his mother has let me be more involved in his life to help him through this time but he doesn’t respect or listen to me because I believe he’s seen how his mom has undermined my position in his life. I don’t know how I can get through to him or how to establish myself as an authority figure in his life. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.