It is never easy to lose a close family member. You still feel heartbroken no matter what your relationship was. During the first two weeks of 2022, I lost two family members, my maternal uncle, and my father-in-law. It has been twelve years since I said goodbye to my father and five years since we buried my mother-in-law. Our only surviving parent is my elderly mother, who is also in poor health. My father’s passing was not witnessed by me, but both my in-laws were. As I watched each one pass away, my heart broke for the family, and felt deep sorrow for the dying themselves.
During these moments, I wondered what thoughts were running through their minds? Was there anything they could have done better or done it differently? Have they achieved everything they wanted? My mind was racing with questions as I watched them fade away.
Is it possible to not worry when you are near death? My father-in-law said before passing, “I’m ready to meet my Maker.” And it seemed as if he was at peace with his next journey. He died a few days later. My sister believes that our father fought death even while he was in a coma, while my mother-in-law passed peacefully asleep. My father-in-law’s passing took a few days of painstakingly watching him come in and out of consciousness.
Do some choose to fight death? Are some people able to pass peacefully while others are not able to do so? Is slipping out peacefully a sign that they had a fulfilling life and were at their happiest? Do those who fight death have unresolved issues, were not kind to others, or have unfinished business? Once again, how I wonder.
Growing up, my husband’s relationship with his father was challenging, and I cannot help but see similarities in my relationship with mine. Is there something to this? Can a peaceful death and a life well lived be linked in any way? My mother-in-law was a strong and honorable woman, just like my own mother. Careful and nurturing women who managed to take care of their families and hold jobs at the same time. It’s my belief that my mother-in-law knew her time on earth was coming to an end, and she left with grace.
It is my only hope that I will be at my mother’s side when she passes and that she does so in peace. Whatever happens, after we leave this earth, I hope it will be where we belong.
Wayne’s Memorial a Few Weeks Later
We flew to Illinois for my father-in-law’s memorial a few weeks later. Both my husband’s last words and the military farewell were moving. It was a true honor to be in the audience when my husband received the US flag on behalf of his father’s service in the military.
It was interesting for me to observe how others behaved during the gathering, service, and memorial lunch. It is not my intent to sound cruel or insensitive, but funerals remind me of New Year’s resolutions.
I will explain why. Oftentimes, before New Year’s Day, people make a list of resolutions they hope or even believe they will be able to make or achieve. There are many resolutions to consider, including improving relationships, spending more time with friends and family, losing weight, working less, having time for yourself, etc.
In the face of tough circumstances, or when they realize that reaching certain goals is difficult, most give up feeling like failures or simply don’t care anymore. Oftentimes, after funerals, there is an intention to forgive, mend estranged or misunderstood relationships, spend more time together, or stay in touch more often. In spite of good intentions, plans often fade.
During challenging times, I believe those who make these promises are sincere, while others may simply be trying to be kind, acting on impulse, or trying to save face. They are especially vulnerable when they are in front of family members with whom they have had challenging relationships.
Regardless of the circumstances, we should strive to be honest. Although you come from the same family, it doesn’t mean you’re all alike. Nothing matters more than respect, care, and a lack of judgment. We will not always be at our best or do the right thing. However, we can all be true to ourselves and accept each other as we are. You can only wish them well if you’ve attempted to resurrect a severed relationship with sincere intentions. You can also forgive yourself if you were wrong, and move on if you’ve asked for forgiveness without being heard.
Life is fleeting, so we owe it to ourselves to make the most of what we have left. When I saw my father-in-law take his last breath, I could not help but know and understand that all of us are going to be there someday.
Dedicated to the memory of Wayne Harley Kaufman (Knapp).