Learning to be alone is challenging for many people. The fear of solitude can keep us tethered to relationships that are unhealthy, even damaging. A close friend of mine has been in a volatile relationship for several years. She ended her first marriage after 22 years and entered her second just a year after her divorce. Her current spouse is abusive and condescending, with no real career direction.
She, on the other hand, completed a PhD in psychology in less than ten years, runs a successful practice, and has raised three healthy children. And yet, she remains. After listening to her struggles for a long time, I finally asked why she didn’t leave. Her answer was simple and heartbreaking: “Because I don’t want to be alone.”
When I divorced, learning to live alone after 13 years of marriage was frightening at first. I had a lot of inner work to do before I could enjoy my new freedom, but with time and intention, that fear turned into excitement.
Being alone may not be ideal, but if you don’t have a choice or if you’ve chosen to live without a steady, live-in partner, it can be not only bearable, but genuinely enjoyable. Here’s how:
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Change your thoughts. When loneliness creeps in, briefly remind yourself why you chose this path. Then redirect your focus. The less attention you give the fear, the less power it has.
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Reconnect or make new friends. If relationships faded while you were overly invested in a partner, reach out again. If those friendships have moved on, create new ones. Go out alone, sit at the bar, strike up conversations, or even chat with the bartender. Try platforms like Meetup to connect with like-minded people.
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Get out and live. You likely have more time now to do the things you enjoy on your own or with others.
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Try something new. Start a hobby. Go to dinner, a movie, or on a hike alone. You don’t need a companion to have a good time.
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Create cozy moments. Order in, take a bath, watch a favorite movie, or sip a glass of wine under the stars.
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Learn to enjoy your own company. This may feel intimidating at first, but it’s empowering. Discover that you are just as interesting, fun, and whole on your own. Appreciate that the choice—and the control is yours.
Relationships are hard, especially unhealthy ones. Love yourself enough to refuse to stay in a damaging situation simply because you fear being alone. Sometimes, being on your own is exactly what’s needed to break unhealthy patterns.
And if, after truly giving solitude a chance, you find you don’t enjoy it, honor yourself for trying. Once you’ve learned to live with and love yourself, you may be ready to open your heart again.
Living alone is not as bad as you think. Living in an abusive relationship is far worse. I know several beautiful women in their 60s who chose to live alone after leaving abusive partners, and they are among the most joyful people I know. They date casually without commitment—and that, too, is a valid choice. Just be wise about it.
Remember: being alone does not mean you are lonely.
